Usually I am able to stay fairly positive and convince myself that things really aren’t that bad, but sometimes at the end of the day the MonSter starts whispering and it’s difficult to ignore the fear. Three years ago I was able to walk without thinking about it, drive anywhere I wanted, and make plans for the future without any idea that they would be drastically altered. Two years ago I was still walking and, other than a headache and occasional slurred words, wasn’t terribly concerned about what was going on thinking it was probably all related to my migraines and easily fixed by the right doctor. Now I am staring at a stair lift and power chair wondering what will be taken away next.
I’ve had moments in these last two years during which I couldn’t speak, struggled to use my hands to feed myself, and my legs were just dead weight. Clearly this indicates damage to the nerve pathways controlling these actions which will most likely worsen over time. How much time? Tomorrow? Twenty years from now? Never? I have no way of knowing and it’s terrifying to think about. Most of the time I can silence the tiny voice inciting panic, but today it is screaming and its words are overwhelming. By tomorrow morning it will once again be back to just a whisper and I will go about my day telling everyone, including myself, that I am fine and there is nothing to worry about. Tonight though…..Tonight I will allow myself to grieve the parts of me that have been destroyed by this thing called MS, let my thoughts wander through the worries of tomorrows, and indulge in sobs until the tears have washed the voice to the far corners of my mind once more.
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