Saturday, April 28, 2018

Scary Night

Alright guys. It’s tough to admit to the reality of things when they get bad, but the whole point of this blog is to be open & share my experiences so I’ll take a deep breath & do just that. Last night was scary. Definitely an upside down turtle kind of day. I had been feeling physically exhausted the past few days, but pushed through small tasks here & there just so I wasn’t sitting around every day. Not too much, but better than nothing so I wouldn’t tell myself I was just being lazy. Yesterday I did the same and cleaned the litter box, then scrubbed the floor underneath while taking breaks to rest. I spent a lot of the day lying on the couch, but by evening I was feeling pretty foggy & just out of it and told my hubby. An hour or so later, I tried to ask him if he had any dinner ideas for the kids because I was too tired to cook much, but I couldn’t get any words to come out and just made odd grunts. I tried to get up and found that my arms & legs felt like they weighed 1,000lbs each and I couldn’t budge them. My muscles felt tight, but absolutely refused to move. I was trapped and unable to communicate with anyone. Scary.

Fortunately, my hubby was able to call off of his third shift duties and stay home to help out. He cooked dinner, made sure the kids did their homework & were ready for school in the morning, made me comfortable, fixed me something to eat when I regained some use of my left arm a few hours later, and carried me upstairs to bed. This morning he helped the kids get ready & made sure I was comfortable downstairs before taking a nap since he’s working tonight. I’m so lucky to have him!

With concentration and effort, I am able to stumble slowly to where I need to go. I’m exhausted and sore, but I can communicate. Turtle Monroe, who tried to teach me to speak again last night (say “you” Mom, that’s an easy word: Yuh-eeeeeeeww), has already mentioned something about it to her teacher this morning and Turtle Mae spoke about it with her grandma on the way to school. I feel bad for upsetting them and I knew they were worried last night, but I couldn’t tell them I was fine or that it would be ok. I couldn’t even give them hugs. What kind of a mom can’t comfort her own kids?

If I’m truly honest with myself, it scared me a bit too. Is this a glimpse into what my future will be? How much will I actually recover from this relapse and how much is permanent? How can I be prepared if it happens again? In the past 2 years I have already lost so much of my independence, how much more will be gone in the next 2 years? So many questions without clear answers, but I have to trust that it will be okay. Take some deep breaths and focus on the positive.

The sun is shining this morning. We have tickets to the Charlotte Hounds game tonight. My family members are safe & healthy. I am able to move and speak and smile. It could be worse, but it’s not. I could choose to worry about a future I can’t control and drive myself to a mental breakdown by focusing on the what ifs, but instead I will use yesterday as a reminder. As cliche as it sounds, each day truly is a gift to enjoy and even when I’m exhausted there is still good to be found. Last night was rough, but I am lucky enough to be surrounded by a loving family and good friends to help me through the bad days until the clouds lift and the sun shines again. I am blessed and everything will be fine. No worries! How do you stay focused on the positives when the negativity starts closing in on your thoughts?

1 comment:

  1. That sounds so scary :( I have been like that when I have had a temperature, I just can’t move at all. Thank goodness you have your husband to help. I think that you’re right, we just have to focus on the positives. Just because that happened doesn’t mean that is your future, though I know it can be hard to not think that way 💕